Why?

You know, sometimes I wonder about my life... I've made some decisions I regret.   I'm now in my mid 40s, have a job that I like but a boss I don't respect. No husband. No children and at this point unable to have my own. A mobile home that I don't want. So deep in debt that I don't know what to do. I'm isolated from my family. Due to medical reasons I can't be near my brother and his family on more than a vacation basis (he lives in an area that seriously aggravates my allergies). I've never had a romatic relationship because I don't trust people, especially men (related to decision I made in my teens about something that happened). I'm broke so I don't have the money to see a shrink or fix my truck. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis so the med cost is only going to get worse. It's either that or end up like my friend who is disabled and so screwed up that if she doesn't have to go out of her bedroom she is happy.    Wow. Man, if i don't get off this kick I might as well suck a tailpipe. (Just kidding, would end up hurting people I don't want to hurt so that is not an option).

Ok, time for good things
1 - my family. Limited as they are, I love them and know they love me
2 - my friends. Without them i would be lost.
3 - I do have a job...... I guess that is a good thing. Sometimes i wonder
4 - I do have insurance, at least that is a good thing about the job
5 - the knee is fixed
6 - most of the time i'm happier than this.
  7 - my Dogs! If you have dogs, you never have a really bad day. It's amazing what a little dog slobber will kill or at least help.

To do list
1 - clean house. Both litterally and figeratively. Get rid of vampire friends & dust bunnies (Ok, who am i kidding, a whole flock of rabbits).
2 - BUILD A BUDGET!!!!!! If i don't and stick to it I'm going to end up in bankruptcy
3 - Put up Christmas decorations, this is the first year i have had the slightest bit of interest in putting them up since Mom died
4 - Forgive myself
5 - Forgive my Dad
6 - Research moving near my Brother. Maybe there is something that can be done about my medical issue
7 - Exercise
8 - continue to lose weight (Actually follow the plan! I'm paying for it after all)
9 - Continue to be a pain to my Rheumatologist until I get on a med that works and doesn't kill my liver
10 - Use the rest of this year to get my head on straight
11 - Realize that sometimes Shit happens and that with family, friends, perserverance, and faith i will get through it.
12 - get rid of the junk i don't need or use
13 - continue blogging
14 - finish knee rehab
15 - get the witch down from the tree (long story)
16 - fix the truck (have to in order to keep the job) one way or another

Well, I think this is enough for a first post. I really hope i don't regret putting this out there. Maybe it will save me the cost of a shrink